All I can be is me

Rob has been gone for 1 week.  One painfully long week.  If any of you remember the last deployment, I was at my end with Gabe.  He shuts down without Rob.  He is withdrawn and sullen and terrible.  He breaks into fits over seemingly nothing.  I had hoped age would help fix this.  That is not the case (at least yet) for us.  We have about 6 months to crack this code with him.  I need to crack this code for our survival.

On Saturday he broke into a fit first thing in the morning.  It ended with "you can't make bacon only dad can."  Awesome (insert sarcasm).  I can do just about anything.  I know how to fix most of the stuff in my house...but like it better if Rob does.  I hate working on my computer, but will if I must.  I know how to hang pictures, use a nail gun, build all sorts of crap, work the bazillion saws we own, unclog the toilet, clean the house, shoot a soccer goal, tie a fish hook and wind a reel.  I can even unhook a fish if I must.  I can kill bugs and spiders.  I can pay bills and balance a check book (barely).  But the one thing I cannot do is be Dad.  I can in fact make bacon quite well, but I will never be dad. 

This out burst is just one of many to come.  In the end, he will have to come to terms that our dad leaves.  It does not make us unimportant to him, but yes, for a brief moment we take a back seat to the mission, to the Army, to the nation that he is sworn to.  I hate it sometimes, but this is the man I chose to love.  But Gabe didn't get a choice.  He must just live with a circumstance he has no control over.  And that is where I know he is his father's son...Rob hates living with choices that are not his own.  And that is the dilemma...how to help Gabe understand that while we may not have a choice in the situation, we do have a choice in how we act.

Because I am not the dad...I am JUST the mom...I do what mom's do.  I make cookies.  After all, some days just need a cookie.

Stick with me on this one.

For the last 6 months, I have been systematically cutting our wheat based products from our diet.  Not crazy no carb.  Not totally Paleo.  We don't have Celiac's.  But, after really looking at our diet, I realized that we were ingesting a larger than I thought healthy amount of sugars and wheat.  Most from processed snack foods.  Others as breads.  But mostly, that we just were using bread, rice, pasta, and potatoes as fillers when vegetables were really needed.  The result is that even though I needed surgery for my back and could not exercise regularly, I didn't gain weight.  Gabe is no longer wetting the bed at night.  All the kids wake up better.  So, in the end we are at about 1-2 servings of grains a day. Far from the USDA's calling for 5-8.  I see this as a big win for our family. 

But some days still just need a cookie.

So that is what we did today.  We made the cookies Gabe wanted.  But I also see how I must be careful with this.  He can't have just one or two.  He wants them all; he is down right belligerent about them.  But for a brief moment he forgot the anger and frustration and just had fun.  I need that win sometimes as much as he needs the smiles and laughter.